• http://www.pfsdebtrelief.com Stephan

    This is definitely a tricky topic and something that i think will be more common as time goes on. It is important that whoever the primary income earner is does not project a feeling of power over the other one. Its tough I know, ive gone through it, but open communication lines seem to be the best bet at avoiding the money fights!
    Preferred Financial Services

    • Joanna Crain

      Stephan,

      You are right on with your comment. I have been through it too and it isn’t fun being the underdog on this one. But keeping the dialogue going can at least avoid misunderstandings and resentments.

      Best,
      Joanna

  • Skirnir

    As of yet, this hasn’t been a problem for my husband and I. I work a part-time nonprofit job and make very little, while he works full time at a computer related job. He makes enough that we don’t fight about money and neither of us are heavy spenders. But what bothers me, is my job is ending soon, and I am contemplating not getting another job right away. I know my husband would just say put it on the credit card for my purchases, but in a way, I like having my own money. So not sure what I will decide.

  • Rolltider1978

    This is hard for the one who earns the most and runs the show. They don’t want to give up the power and control, nor do they want to pay more for bills than the under dog. The one who earns more, will not like this approach. That person will want it both ways, by paying only 50 percent and making the underdog pay 50 percent, they have more of their income to keep, thus the underdog has even less of their income to keep. (rich getting richer and poor getting poorer) So, with more money comes more power, control, ability to shame and dominate, make all decisions, lie, hide, and feel that they can spend at will. This won’t be given up easy, so don’t expect a person who has been so greedy and selfish to stop and just do it this way. This type of person is narcasistic and controlling and will fight for their “right” to keep up the bad behavior. Often they blame the way they behave on the underdog, demanding that if they did it this way the underdog would abuse money and take advantage of “what isn’t theirs”. If you are able to convince the one making more to comply and work together, then congratulations, there is hope for your marriage. But, if your spouse refuses and won’t follow this advice, then you have to decide if you want to live your life controlled, dominated and shamed for not making as much, or if you want to move on with your life. You deserve better treatment and you should have your voice respected at the table. Stand up for yourself and your marriage and try to compromise with this advice, the direction of your life may depend on it.

    • Mrs Mcquarter

      Are you my spouse? Cause I swear you are

  • Rolltider1978

    This is hard for the one who earns the most and runs the show. They don’t want to give up the power and control, nor do they want to pay more for bills than the under dog. The one who earns more, will not like this approach. That person will want it both ways, by paying only 50 percent and making the underdog pay 50 percent, they have more of their income to keep, thus the underdog has even less of their income to keep. (rich getting richer and poor getting poorer) So, with more money comes more power, control, ability to shame and dominate, make all decisions, lie, hide, and feel that they can spend at will. This won’t be given up easy, so don’t expect a person who has been so greedy and selfish to stop and just do it this way. This type of person is narcasistic and controlling and will fight for their “right” to keep up the bad behavior. Often they blame the way they behave on the underdog, demanding that if they did it this way the underdog would abuse money and take advantage of “what isn’t theirs”. If you are able to convince the one making more to comply and work together, then congratulations, there is hope for your marriage. But, if your spouse refuses and won’t follow this advice, then you have to decide if you want to live your life controlled, dominated and shamed for not making as much, or if you want to move on with your life. You deserve better treatment and you should have your voice respected at the table. Stand up for yourself and your marriage and try to compromise with this advice, the direction of your life may depend on it.

  • Ebbebest

    Wow, perfect timing! My boyfriend of two years will be moving in November and he makes less than I do. This really hit home. We plan on getting married eventualy but being I’m divorced, and have three kids, I’m trying not to rush into anything. I can’t express to you how much this article related to my situation!

    • Casey Slide

      I am glad the article was helpful. Good luck!

  • Jay

    You we so incredibly spot on with your advice. I earn a higher income and have resented paying the majority of the bills. I need to change my perspective and come up with a solution to make up for the fact that I contribute more financially. I love the idea to come up with a cleaning schedule, especially due to the fact that I am rarely home because of my job. The whole reason I was resentful was because I feel like I am never home, and as a result do not contribute to causing higher utility bills. I now see how I can actually make my spouse feel resentful of ME for making more and asking for a 50/50 split….. It’s just not equitable. Thanks again for the advice!

    • Casey Slide

      Glad I was able to help. Good luck to you!

  • Julia

    Good advice in principle, assuming that the lower wage earner is an honest, trustworthy type. I earn about 4s more than my husband but have been unable to adopt the ‘our’ money approach as he simply cannot be trusted. We had a joint credit card account (in my name), he went out spending on it and didn’t volunteer money for his purchases when the statement came. We had a joint bank account to be used for paying household bills. We would each put our respective bills money in as agreed to cover direct debits. One day the tv and Internet were not working, they told me that the bill hadn’t been paid so we were cut off. I checked our account and he had withdrawn money for a so-called emergency, never put it back and I ended up paying an admin fee out of my own pocket for that. He has been hiding income from me from investments I made for us both with my money. Some money problems can be worked out but we all need to recognise a freeloader when we see one.

  • Get real

    I have an issue with point 6. Personally I’d like to have low paying job with no responsibility and easier hours and less stress and earn the same as my spouse – it would be much easier than my current career, which i’ve worked at for ten years, which will ultimately pave the way for a house and children and education of those children and retirement and so on. I’d like nothing more than to work part time and put my feet up and just chill out. So why in god’s name should i be compensating for somebody who takes this exact route? Is it fine not to have ambition and and forward thinking point of view and some proactive contribution to this desired lifestyle? You talk about equality of housework but when the medical bills arrive, or the mortgage needs paying or whatnot, where’s the equality then? I make sacrifices for the sake of our family unit. If she can’t earn as much because she’s make bad choices then she should pick up the slack elsewhere.

    “Teammates”, until the taxman arrives eh?

    • nrw

      You sound like a horrible husband. Talk about harboring resentment. Jeez.

    • Geoknyda

      I agree with your viewpioint. There are many men and women like you and I who feel the same way. And many whop don’t. After having worked hard in school, struggled and committed to securing a good job, income and future for ourselves, why should we be forced to share that with someone who hasn’t worked so hard to achieve the same thing for themselves? Wouldn’t it be best to share your accomplishments and wealth with someone who has obtained an equal amount of success in their life? Of course the deinfition of “success” varies from person to person and our definition seems to be those things. For others it could be physical fitness or a cohesive family. The point is why sacrifice your future – everything you have worked so hard to build – to try and change someone into something they have not tried to be? Or even worse: to “put up” with what you percieve to be a handicap? No one deserves to be “put up” with and that’s not right. I believe the answer lies in awareness and choice.
      Some men and women choose willingly to share their money and wealth with their spouse, children, and family. Others choose not to and that’s okay. The problem is when people commit to a marriage, relationship, and children without figuring out how they feel about sharing their money – or how much they feel comfortable sharing with them. Rushing into a marriage and children without having taken the time to explore and understand your own values and feelings is the primary cause of “resentment” from primary income earners.
      The best advice I can give is take the time to test the waters. Go slow. Date. Try living with a girl or guy for a while and see how money affects the relationship. Then you will know more about your own feelings towards income inequality and if you are comfortable with it. Watch out, though. Some parents will pressure you to marry their child before you are comfortable – they will corner you and before you know it you will be stuck in a marriage without having tested the waters. I’ve noticed this from lower income families more so than higher income ones. Good parents don’t pressure their kids into marriage. Go slow. Enjoy life and continue learning about yourself and others, but don’t let anyone or anything pressure you into doing something you are not comfortable doing. If you are unsure, go even slower!
      With that advice you will avoid causing problems with other families and eventually find someone you are comfortable with. The chances of resenting your partner at that point will be low because you will have taken the time to truly find out who you are and what you want and how you will be comfortable sharing things. Good luck!

      • mary

        does your wife get paid for taking care of the kids, cleaning your home. cooking your meals etc. That would come out to more than you make. ???

        • JimmyZ

          That’s a load of crap, I make all the money, pay all the bills and do half of the cooking, cleaning etc and I don’t get paid for it either. Furthermore in a marriage you serve selflessly out of honor, kindness and love, not to get paid, otherwise it is a service run like a business. It really rubs me the wrong way when women use this lame excuse.

      • Kevin Thomas

        Your reply is too long. Learn “brevity.”

  • DesperateWife

    I’ve been looking for some kind of ‘fair’ budgeting system. Like a worksheet or something. My husband is the top earner in our household by a long shot. We argue about money all the time. We both work full time, and usually the same number of hours per week, however his job has more opportunities for overtime than mine does. I feel like I am always indebted to him because he makes the most therefore he can afford the most, therefore he deserves any extra money we have during the month. I have tried to explain to him that I dont feel like I should be responsible for half of the monthly expenses because I dont make half of the monthly income. I feel that it is only fair that I am responsible for the same percentage of expenses as the percentage if monthly income I contribute. The truth is,i can’t afford his lifestyle, and he dosent want to be held back living the lifestyle he feels he deserves because he makes such great money. He is in control of paying all the monthly bills by choice…i used to do it and he didn’t like how I did it it because I paid things before they were due, like when we got the bill in the mail. So he took over, the only problem with that is he pays things that are important to him first, my bills are at the bottom of the to do list…like my credit card (which I use for my gas-his idea), my medical bills, childrens child care, etc….things that I feel are equally as important. So in the mean time, my bills get the minimum payment due, and get paid late out not at all. Because I make less (contribute less) all of my money has to go to bills, because he makes much more he is the one who gets what ever is left over after his money is applied. He feels this is only fair since he already has to pick up my slack for not bringing in more income. How is this fair? Am I crazy for not agreeing with him? Maybe I need a wake up call or something, because I still dont get it. He resents me for not bringing in enough, and I resent him because he constantly makes me feel like I owe him and should be grateful for the life we live-made possible by him and only him with no help from me. I get no credit. Can anybody give me any input on how they have overcome an impossible situation like this, or know if a way to make a family budget that is more fair for both spouses so we can eliminate the resentment? Or tell me what I’m doing wrong? We’ve been married for 5 years now and this has only become a problem since we bought the house we live in 2 years ago, he started making the money he makes now 3 years ago. I also need to mention the fact that right after we bought the house I was unemployed for almost a year, although I did watch kids from home and made pretty descent money until the parents of some if the kids I became undependable, and slowly but surely I lost more children and income, which is why I went back to work full time. Also, my sons father (from a previous marriage) completely stopped paying child support almost 2 years ago, even though we have child support enforcement. Which is another thing my husband has a huge problem with….picking up the slack of my sons dead beat father. I’ll take any advice and helpful hints that are out there!

    • DesperateWife

      Sorry,i wrote this from my phone and theres lots of typing errors…

      Corrections: if …. Means ‘of’ , and ‘…..I became undependable….(in reference to watching kids from home) is supposed to say the parents of some of the kids I watched became undependable… Lol! Sorry for the typos…

  • JustAGuy

    I totally get the issue raised, but there are different situations that exist. I make a lot more than my wife. Part of that is because of my time int he workforce. Part of it is because of my line of work. At this point, we share household tasks (shopping, cooking, cleaning, kid duties, etc.). Our kids our teens. I work from home, so I am able to do more than most husbands. The issue I have is that my wife actually has had “control” of the money for years. I have tried to work on a budget with her, but she has gotten defensive. She has chosen to work part-time and not pursue a job that utilizes her degree. Her mom convinced her that if we can cover all the expenses with my pay then she shouldn’t work full-time. I’m concerned about how lower income now affects our future. College expenses will be huge. I also see this decision to make less now as a direct impact on when I can retire. Even worse is that this is not a team decision, so we definitely have to improve that. I’m trying to figure out how to “feel” okay with not knowing how much is available to spend, not knowing were we even stand financially. It’s all about communication. I am planning to assume more control and force the team effort through weekly meetings with reports on the budget. PLEASE do not assume that the person making most of the money is the “bad guy”. Sometimes we’re the one being taken advantage of. I see this more as a place to improve the relationship in my situation.

  • Annie McKillop

    In reading this article, I disagree, and I see your point given you have one child and are 10 years younger. I made 100k 15 years ago. My husband made less. Today I’m a SAHM. I can tell you society was happy to take away my power. My husband as a matter of fact was encouraged while I was discriminated against. Any man who thinks he deserves to lord over his wife, and that he justifiably earns more is a joke. Society will always drive the woman down. A traditional life as a mother is a sure path to humiliation. I hope you go back to work and have a contingency plan for retirement/divorce.

  • Desperate

    My husband and I are divorcing after 14 months of marriage. I came into an inheritance at the beginning of the marriage and now all the money is gone. From the money I purchase a van, which is in his name as I do not drive. We had a trailer given to us and I purchase many items and paid to have it renovated. We both make the same amount of money which contributed to the regular expenses, we also did a lot of travelling with that money. Once the money was gone, so was he. He is living in the trailer and driving the van. I am suing him for divorce and put all these belongings in the agreement. I sure he is going to contest and this will end up costing me, yet more money? Do you think I will win?

  • CINDY KYLIE

    I’m here to thank the great love spell caster Dr Lawrence for reviving my marriage and my family, I have been all alone ever since my husband left me and my 5years old child for a very long time I always think how i could have him back and make this family together again though is not as easy as that, Then i found out how Dr Lawrence had help many people restore their marriages i emailed him and he cast a restoration spell that heal and brought back my husband i am saying big thank you to the source of my happiness [email protected]

  • Maria Alejandro

    Hello everyone i know how you all feel, but i want to also tell you in this Forum that you too can have a good relationship because my ex-boyfriend and i also had issues, My Name is Maria (mariaalejandro26@ yahoo. com) i was by my Ex- Boyfriend dumped me 2 months ago after I caught him having an affair with my best friend and i insulted him then we broke up. I want him back in my life but he refuse to have any contact with me. I was so confused and didn’t know what to do, so I visited the INTERNET for help and I saw a testimony of how a Love Psychic help them to get their ex back so I contacted the Love Psychic and explain my problems to him….. He cast a spell for me and assure me that after one week that my ex will return to me and to my greatest surprise after 5days my Pedro Alejandro came knocking on my door and begging for forgiveness. I am so happy that my love is back again and not only that, we are about to get married. Once again thank you Dr. John, you are truly talented and gifted. He is the only answer to any relationship problem. He can be of great help to you and I will not stop publishing him because he is a wonderful man contact him through his
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  • Fair is a myth

    Have housework make up for the balance. I wish. I make 100% of the money (6 figures), I do 100% of the cooking and cleaning. Help the kids with their homework, volunteer on my kids teams AND I am getting my MBA at night. Meanwhile my wife doesn’t work, but is very happy as she enjoys being a philanthropist with my money and everyone loves her because of how much money she donates. All the while I drive a car that is falling apart and my kids wear clothes that are too small. Some people just SUCK, no matter what system you put in place. My wife takes advantage of my religious beliefs of not engaging in divorce, so I am just stuck with a horrible person.

    • Karlin

      I think god is trying to tell you to become an atheist… But if you won’t listen do that then how about taking control of your paycheques and hand her exactly HALF and then you can get your own needs met.
      As for her lazyness, ya, you are stuck with a horrible person…but it IS possible to get your needs met by opening a new bank account in your name and then showing her your deposits so she knows you give her HALF.

  • Barbara Walker

    I am Barbara walker I
    want to give great appreciation to the great man named prophet Abayotor who
    helped me in getting back my love who left me for 3years within 48hours, after
    been scammed by some fake spell caster which made away with my money.i was
    watching my television when i saw a woman giving thanks to this great man for
    what he has done for her,although i have been scammed by so many spell caster
    but i still decided to contact him i told him everything that happened and he
    just laughed over it and told me that my love will be back within the next
    24hours at first i was full of doubt until the next 48 hours i had a call by
    unknown number i did not even think if he would be my love the next thing i
    could hear on the phone was my love pleading and begging me to forgive him and
    he promised not to hurt me till the rest of his life. I was so surprised and at
    the same time i was filled with joy and happiness, i did not waste anytime in
    accepting him because that was what i have been looking for, after calling, in
    the next 2hours time he came to my house and still pleading and begging me to
    forgive him the must surprising thing was that he gave me access to his account
    and everything that he have, for me to know that he is not going to leave me
    for any reason. Now we are living happily than ever before. So i want to use
    this opportunity to let the world to know that there are people in this world
    sent from God to help people to get back there husband e.g people like Prophet
    Abayotor, sir you are a great man. In case you want to thank him for me or you
    need his help you can contact him through his private mail:
    [email protected]. Once again thank you very much sir.

  • ELICIA

    I and my husband have been separated for a long period of time, I came across different spell caster and they were all unable to bring my lover back. I was so sad and almost gave up on him when i met a man called DR Lawrence who helped me get my lover back. Ever since then i have been so happy and couldn’t believe it would happen. He also helped me with success spell, I have been living happily with my lover now and will be getting married soon.Thank you [email protected]

  • Karlin

    Fairy tales for the White Picket Fence crowd…. These are not problems you are solving here, they are fun and games when a couple has enough money to get the basics.
    I came here googling for solutions to “what to do when there is only enough money for me to live on?” – I cannot AFFORD a girlfriend? Ah, ok. but love is thicker than money and so here we are together…. I am poor and disabled, she is worse off… I just don’t know which one of us should get what we need – and if I am being a fool helping her out so much when we are just a few months into getting to know each other??

    • Kevin Thomas

      You Googled aomething to find AN article, but you’re not happy with THIs article. Move on to the next one. That’s how Google works. It took you more time to leave a negative comment than to click the back button. Smh.

  • lindi

    How is this writer qualified/warranted to make these recommendations?

  • Diana

    People who left comments, are you sure you are part of a married couple or is it actually a business relationship? Each person brings different things to the table. Its not all about trying to save the most money and racing to retirement. Because while you’re busy earning as much money as you can, your family and relationships are probably falling apart. One person needs to focus on providing and one person needs to focus on nurturing. If both are striving to be providers, I can see that both would have emotional needs that are not fulfilled. Husband and wife busy with work, no time for each other and the family. If both want to be nurturers, obviously there may not be enough money. You can’t demand for the nurturer to contribute half of the expenses as this would impede on their ability to nurture. It would require them to take jobs with more hours or more effort. And thus less time or effort on the family. Likewise, nurturers should fulfil their role and make sure that the provider’s after work life is indeed nurturing and would give them the boost they need to excel a work. You can’t expect to sit back relax and enjoy while your provider is hard at work. You need to make your family, home and relationship worth working hard for. You need to ensure they get the recharge they need when they are at home. It’s all about team work! Don’t work against each other, work with and work for one another. Both parties need to understand and agree with this for it to work.

  • Beth Cone Kramer

    When one spouse is angry because the other spouse stays home with the kids or has a lower paying career like teaching or social work, the marriage seems doomed. Those who complain that a spouse who is let’s say a teacher and not an executive perhaps should never have married a teacher. In our society, we place such value on how much money someone earns, to the exclusion of everything else.

    • motherjonesmilk

      Well, stilettos cost a lot of money.

  • Hopeful

    After 43 years of marriage with extreme struggles in this area, the only solution that works for us is both of us dying to self time and time again and bowing our knee, our hearts, our mind and our spirit to the personal, real and very powerful relationship that we both have had from childhood in the Lord Jesus Christ. That has increasing become our ONLY hope after a multitude of counseling experiences, separation and an extremely painful marital journey. Our walk with God has been enhanced, deepened and thrust into necessity BECAUSE we can not do it without His Presence. Our being together is a blatant, outright miracle and we both continually start over and give God the complete praise and glory that we are making it.

  • 1581Q

    Making a budget means nothing when she refuses to follow it. If we set it at $800/mo, she’ll spend $1200. The next month, it’s $1400, then $1800. Divorce is next. I won’t let her ruin me.

    What makes things worse is she doesn’t work anymore and always agreed to take care of the cleaning, cooking, kids, etc. Yet, the house is never clean, she has never once cleaned a toilet or shower in 15 years. I do it all. She lets the dachshund pee all over the place so the house smells like dog urine and she doesn’t give a care. She also ballooned up to 250lbs and she’s only 5’3″ tall!

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