Lying About Money Is Breaking Up Marriages
by Erik Folgate
Filed under Family and Relationships
Here is an interesting article from MSN.com about financial infidelity and how it is affecting marriages.
It is no secret. Money problems is the number one cause of divorce in America. Whether it’s the lack of it, lying about it, or abusing it, money will destroy families and marriages if it’s not handled properly. This article talks about how lying to your spouse about your spending habits is starting to have a more profound affect on marriages. Little white lies start snowballing into larger lies about money, and before you know it, your spouse is oblivious to the fact that you’re pissing away all of your savings.
Here are some major causes of financial infidelity:
- Online Gambling: this is growing and gamblers don’t even have to get out of their pajamas to get their fix.
- Shop-aholics: This isn’t just women. Plenty of men suffer from this phenomenon. People actuall find comfort in buying stuff. If a new television, pair of shoes, or fishing equipment makes you feel better than the companionship of your spouse, then you have a problem.
- Drug Abusers: Obviously, if you’re doing drugs, you’re going to spend money without letting your spouse know about it. In suburbia, more housewives and white-collar workers are getting addicted to prescription drugs.
Do you have a spouse with spending problems? Do they constantly lie to you about their spending habits? Do you have a problem with being honest to your spouse about money and spending? Seek out a marriage counselor in your area. The best solution is to confront your spouse about the problem. Do it in a loving way. Don’t attack them. Money issues can be devastating, but they don’t have to be a deal breaker for a marriage. You can save the marriage, but it starts with getting help.
I believe part of this problem comes from the fact that many married couples do not have a concept of “our money”. It is either “my” money or “your” money. Having “our money” comes hand in hand with having a budget. Financially healthy (and emotionally healthy) couples pool money together and then decide jointly where the money is spent. They are accountable to each other for spending appropriately.
Having separate accounts takes out this accountability factor and responsibility factor. You are no longer accountable to your spouse because you spouse has no say or even knowledge of what is in your bank account or on your credit card.
When talking amongst friends the subject of having joint accounts has come up a couple of times. One friend’s husband does not want a joint account because he said to his wife “What if you took all my money?”. If you are worried about your wife taking all of your money, I think you have perhaps married the wrong person. Another friend said “What do you do if you have to buy a gift for a friend?” I replied “I buy a gift” and I explained that buying “x, w, or z” isn’t a problem because we have discussed making these purchases ahead of time and these items are in the budget. If the items are not in the budget, then we have another conversation.
I would strongly suggest to any couple thinking about getting married is to meet with a financial planner. Do this while you are engaged. Most financial planners will not charge you for a meeting. What this will do is give you and your future spouse an overall view of what you should be doing (this is important in case either one of you has no knowledge or interest as to what to do with $$$). Additionally, you be given information at the same time by a third party. Hopefully having a third party involved will get you both on track to creating a financial plan and sticking to it.
Second, each party needs to create a budget for the other person. What do you spend money on? Food, clothes, sticking it into savings? Then you need to look at your fiancee’s budget and ask questions. Why is there “x” amount of money being spent on “x”? This way you will have a realistic understanding of how much money you will have in the future.
Third, make sure each person has some discretionary spending money or has the ability to generate some spending money. For my husband and I we have a set amount to spend each month and we have agreed that any money I make from my part time job (not much), I can spend as well.
Fourth, realize that finances are a work in progress. It doesn’t all happen the day you get married. If you are 80% satisfied with your financial plans with your spouse, consider that a success.
My husband has a problem with money, and lying about it. I have tried everything I know of to address the problem, including sending him to rehab for a month for his “addiction.” He continues to lie and spend ridiculous amounts of money on credit cards. I am left with no option but divorce–to protect myself and our son. It’s unfortunate, but that’s just how it is.